Thursday, June 24, 2010

Talking heads and their wrestling potential

After yesterday's post, everybody's favorite brother THE MARK asked me who I thought Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck would be if they were wrestlers.


I don't listen to any of them regularly....I came closest with Rush, but that was years ago. Hannity I listened to on the night shift, Bill's my favorite of the group and Glenn Beck is, well, a little insane for my taste.
So now that you know my bias, here we go:

Rush Limbaugh: Hulk Hogan. Very few people have been as influential for as long as these two men. Love Rush or hate him, I respect the staying power. Both rose to fame in distinctly 80s-esque ways, Rush on talk radio, the Hulkster in yellow, red and an eerie orange tan. Their critics have pointed to the same flaws repeatedly "If Rush is so smart why won't he run for office?" "If Hogan's so great, why won't he put over any younger guys?" but no one can question that they are the defining forces of their fields.

Bill O'Reilly: Bobby "The Brain" Heenan....not a wrestler but a manager and color commentator. He excelled at getting people to hate him, and while "The Brain" moniker was supposed to refer to his dastardly scheming, you always got the feeling that he really was a little bit smarter than the majority of the people he worked with.

Glenn Beck: This is a tricky one. Glenn inhabits a very special place in media these days, and I'd like to honor that. I thought at first of the Bushwhackers, for their perseverance in their ring entrance, but the Bushwhackers were never famous enough to do Glenn justice. Then I thought of Steve Austin, but he's a little too basic. I was shying away from the choice I originally settled on, but after rethinking it, it just feels right: The Ultimate Warrior. Only the Warrior shares the "is he serious is he joking is he crazy" feeling that I've come to know and love about Glenn Beck. Part performer, part deadly serious, part controversy maker, these two have probably met (as the Warrior is now a conservative motivational speaker) and I bet on some level respect each other. I'm not sure I'll ever get down how to take either of them.

Before I continue, I would like to say a few words. I compiled this list using "Do or Die" methodology. Basically, I tried to picture how I thought each of these men would react if they were kidnapped, drugged, and informed that they had to fight it out with a liberal in a death match. For Rush, Bill and Glenn, this was not hard. They would fight, and I think they'd have a fair shot at winning just on sheer spirit (provided their opponent was equal in age and um, stature). I respect that about them.

That idiot Hannity however, would be dead. Hannity would make the fatal error of trying to whine his way out of it, and he would be shot by the kidnappers before ever getting in the ring. I refuse to envision Hannity as a wrestler. I just can't do it. I have never heard someone so often edit their callers or go for the cheap applause so often. He sucks. He's terrible. He's soft like terry cloth. Plus, he's already had a run in with the Warrior, and he was clearly frightened. I mean, I think Rush would have at least pondered the idea of getting in the ring with him:

As a parting gift to you though, I would like to mention that while you didn't ask about Ann Coulter, she would be the Fabulous Moolah. Because if I had to pick someone around today who I thought might flash a stadium full of people while in their 80s, it would be Ann. Can't you see it?


  1. I think I just busted open every stitch in my stomach. You couldn't have put this one off until I healed?

  2. C'mon, there must be a Sarah Palin parallel here!