#1 reason why you should watch wrestling....

....because it's less embarrassing than almost anything on MTV these days.


Come back Rock, come back.

Friday Night Rehash 25Jun10

Hey hey, it's Sunday! Clearly that means I am going to now make up for the fact that on Saturday I didn't review the Thursday night TV show that I watched on Friday. Got that?

Take out this week was brought to you by Chipotle, and even though they don't yet have an online ordering system for my Blackberry, I still love them. Guacamole is proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy.

On with the show:

Quote of the night:
Quotes of the night are a dime a dozen when the Motor City Machine Guns are on commentary. Why aren't these guys on TV more? They had a couple good lines (including a classic sea man double entendre that of course doesn't translate well in to the written word), but my favorite was this one:

"This team (Beer Money) chose their name in homage to the 2001 made for TV movie of the same starring Zach Morris.....IMDB it if you don't believe me."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I was at that moment actually IMDBing it, and I did in fact discover they were telling the truth. Want the synopsis? Of course you do: "Three guys find a space alien in the woods and attempt to sell it to a tabloid TV show, with disastrous results."

This reminds me....Mark-Paul Gosselaar is single now. Who do I have to talk to about a Screech/Zach Morris tag team to face MCMG at the next PPV???? You can't tell me Vince Russo isn't already all over trying to make this happen.

I digress.

Weird sight of the night:
Abyss trying to shove a ring down Hogan's throat. I was suddenly struck by how strange it would be if the Immortal Hulk Hogan died by choking on a ring. I also felt like their should be a special "Don't try this at home" disclaimer after that, for the kiddies.

Alternate weird sight: Madison Rayne trying to be the head mean girl. Not working for me. Still about 10,000 times funnier than "Lay Cool" though. I'm considering filing an FCC complaint with the WWE that expresses my doubt that the team name "Lay Cool" is TV PG. I'm desperately hoping that will get them off the air. I hear they're sensitive about these things these days.


Best moment for non-wrestling fans:
Desmond Wolfe and Kurt Angle are always a good example of wrestling, doesn't matter who you are.

Overall rating for non-wrestling fan friendliness: 7 out of 10
Good wrestling, entertaining commentary, I would definitely have showed this to a non fan and expected some amusement.

Overall rating of the show if you like the show and are a fan already: 7 out of 10
Held my interest, went pretty all things considered.

One point deducted for the fact that I'm still weirded out by how often Shannon Moore tweets about lawn care. In case you're curious, today he's fixing his fence.

Overall rating of the takeout: 9 out of 10
They forgot my sour cream. Dammit, the sour cream!

Here it is, your moment of zen...6-25-10

I'm a little confused why Nancy Reagan didn't feature this ad more prominently in her war on drugs.....I would have loved to see him repeat this ad with a variety of other substances.....

Talking heads and their wrestling potential

After yesterday's post, everybody's favorite brother THE MARK asked me who I thought Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck would be if they were wrestlers.

Intriguing.

I don't listen to any of them regularly....I came closest with Rush, but that was years ago. Hannity I listened to on the night shift, Bill's my favorite of the group and Glenn Beck is, well, a little insane for my taste.
So now that you know my bias, here we go:

Rush Limbaugh: Hulk Hogan. Very few people have been as influential for as long as these two men. Love Rush or hate him, I respect the staying power. Both rose to fame in distinctly 80s-esque ways, Rush on talk radio, the Hulkster in yellow, red and an eerie orange tan. Their critics have pointed to the same flaws repeatedly "If Rush is so smart why won't he run for office?" "If Hogan's so great, why won't he put over any younger guys?" but no one can question that they are the defining forces of their fields.

Bill O'Reilly: Bobby "The Brain" Heenan....not a wrestler but a manager and color commentator. He excelled at getting people to hate him, and while "The Brain" moniker was supposed to refer to his dastardly scheming, you always got the feeling that he really was a little bit smarter than the majority of the people he worked with.

Glenn Beck: This is a tricky one. Glenn inhabits a very special place in media these days, and I'd like to honor that. I thought at first of the Bushwhackers, for their perseverance in their ring entrance, but the Bushwhackers were never famous enough to do Glenn justice. Then I thought of Steve Austin, but he's a little too basic. I was shying away from the choice I originally settled on, but after rethinking it, it just feels right: The Ultimate Warrior. Only the Warrior shares the "is he serious is he joking is he crazy" feeling that I've come to know and love about Glenn Beck. Part performer, part deadly serious, part controversy maker, these two have probably met (as the Warrior is now a conservative motivational speaker) and I bet on some level respect each other. I'm not sure I'll ever get down how to take either of them.

Before I continue, I would like to say a few words. I compiled this list using "Do or Die" methodology. Basically, I tried to picture how I thought each of these men would react if they were kidnapped, drugged, and informed that they had to fight it out with a liberal in a death match. For Rush, Bill and Glenn, this was not hard. They would fight, and I think they'd have a fair shot at winning just on sheer spirit (provided their opponent was equal in age and um, stature). I respect that about them.

That idiot Hannity however, would be dead. Hannity would make the fatal error of trying to whine his way out of it, and he would be shot by the kidnappers before ever getting in the ring. I refuse to envision Hannity as a wrestler. I just can't do it. I have never heard someone so often edit their callers or go for the cheap applause so often. He sucks. He's terrible. He's soft like terry cloth. Plus, he's already had a run in with the Warrior, and he was clearly frightened. I mean, I think Rush would have at least pondered the idea of getting in the ring with him:


As a parting gift to you though, I would like to mention that while you didn't ask about Ann Coulter, she would be the Fabulous Moolah. Because if I had to pick someone around today who I thought might flash a stadium full of people while in their 80s, it would be Ann. Can't you see it?

Wacky Wrestling Quote Wednesday - June 22nd

In a stroke of genius this weekend, I created a twitter account just to follow wrestlers. Wrestlers are famous enough to want to promote themselves, but not so famous that you doubt that it's really them. Some of them are barely literate and boring, but some are pretty hysterical. My favorite tweets so far come from Jeremy Borash. He's not actually a wrestler, he does the back stage commentary. He does have a great twitter feed though.....and here are the two best for this week:

Sharing arena w Glenn Beck & Bill O'Reily tonight in Columbus. Walked into their dressing rooms w Abyss & Shark Boy. They were not amused. 7:47 PM Jun 18th via Echofon


Later apparently, Bill changed his mind:

Seeing Bill O'Riley mark out for Shark Boy may have been the most surreal thing witnessed since I introduced Sabastian Bach to Kamala 2:05 AM Jun 19th via Echofon

Bill O'Reilly a Shark Boy fan (mark out = have a little kid like fan reaction)? Who knew? Although he is quite a bold fresh piece of humanity....

I can't believe I missed this.....

I always knew you could teach a pretty good freshman creative writing class using nothing but examples from wrestling, but it wasn't until today that I realized exactly how philosophical wrestling is. Is this not existentialism at it's finest? Is this not an ode to mans constant striving through life, searching for meaning? First, you capture the championship, only to spend all your time defending it? What is the purpose of all this madness? How then shall we live?

If Dostoevsky was around today, he'd be working for Vince McMahon.

Just how unlikely?

My love of wrestling is baffling to most people.

In my blog tagline posits that I am an unlikely wrestling fan. Let me unpack that. First: I am female. Most wrestling fans are male. Second: I am 28, and I never watched wrestling prior to 2006. Third and beyond: I am a Mensa member. I am a feminist. I have a household income well above the national average. I am a New Englander.

Now this all doesn't make me perfectly unique. Many people join me in any one category, and probably quite a few in all. How many? Let's try it out.

Let's say there are about 15,000,000 people who live in New England. Cut it in half to get just the women....7,500,000. Mensa members must be in the top 2% of the population for IQ, so let's get down to 150,000 or so. According to the best stat I could find, around 29% of women consider themselves feminists, so we're down to 45,000. I am 28, and according to the best population tree I could find, 25-29 year olds make up about 3% of the population, leaving 1,350 of us. At the height of wrestling in 1999, 16% of white Americans claimed to be wrestling fans. Taking that number leaves us with 216 folks like me. Take my household income as higher than average leaves 100 or so of us. Factor in the late start to fandom, and you're down even lower. Even if you stick with the 100 (which I will to make up for assuming that Mensa members make evenly distributed salaries or that self defined feminist are evenly distributed among age ranges....though I also didn't even touch the "are the genders equally represented in high IQ societies" question). Still, that puts me in a very select group, approximately 0.0007% of the New England population, even less country-wide.

All in all, you're pretty lucky to be reading this.

Reality TV and Wrestling - Part 1

After my recent post relating Bukowski's take on crowds and wrestling, THE MARK left a comment inquiring about the intersection of wrestling and reality TV. I have a few thoughts, which is why I call this Part 1....I have a feeling this will be continued for a few weeks.

First: Wrestling is like reality TV in many ways, and there have already been several notable crossovers. The Miz, currently in the WWE, started on The Real World. The WWE has run two reality shows: Tough Enough and Diva Search, where they showed people competing to be wrestlers. NXT currently seems like a hybrid: psuedo competition, but plenty of kayfabe thrown in. What's kayfabe you might ask? It's a carnie/wrestling term for what two people do in character. In the past, when two wrestlers were feuding on TV, there were actual rules prohibiting them from being seen together in real life so people wouldn't know they weren't really fighting. It's certainly weakened over the years, as people were increasingly interested in who these guys were. For a while the TNA promotion even was showing real bios during the show.

Second: Wrestling is an exceptionally unique part of the entertainment world. Even though most wrestlers have a gimmick, it's fairly understood that your top wrestlers all are really just bigger and louder versions of themselves. It's that part that makes it unique. You know how actors and actresses are always complaining that people confuse them with their characters? Not so in wrestling. Not to say that if you watch a wrestler you know him, but the good ones you very might well have a decent start. On the other hand though....they have a little warning. The disadvantage your average reality show contestant has is they don't know how what they're saying will play before they say it. This leads to lots of "that was edited, I'm really much nicer" moments. When wrestler's keep talking, it's because things are working well. The only embarrassment is bad gimmicks. There's a whole site dedicated to that in fact: Wrestlecrap.

So there's the overview. If I get really inspired, you may even get the Dr. Jack breakdown.

Here it is, your moment of zen...6-18-10

Andy Kaufman never wrestled for the WWE, but Jerry Lawler certainly did....still does in fact (or at least does color commentary).

The videos worth it just for this exchange: "Andy I think you really hurt her" "Doesn't matter, she doesn't have any money, she's poor!"

The Poetry of Wrestling - Bukowski

Well it's been a long week kids. THE MARK is in the hospital, and as he recovers from surgery I thought I'd give him a few blog posts to read. I wound up on a poetry website this morning, and as I was scrolling through some of my favorites, and I happened upon the Bukowski archive. When I reread "The Genius of the Crowd" I was absolutely floored by how much I saw wrestling in this:

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

There are many layers I could apply this to, but for now, I'll stick to the crowds. I apply this not to the wrestling crowds themselves, though some might be implicated, but more to those who despise wrestling. There is a basic public health concept that suggests that it may not be in a society's best interest to eliminate all vices. The idea is that if you take away too many unhealthy behaviors, mental health on the whole will suffer to a point that society will destabilize (see Communist Russia circa, um, that part at the end when they banned vodka and that succeeded where all the diplomacy in the world had failed) and ultimately implode. That being said, I hate when people mock low culture. Wrestling makes no promises, no pretensions. It is pure entertainment in real time. It is exhibitionist performing for voyeurs. It is an athletic event that responds to the viewers in real time, and lives for viewer response. This is not the stuff tearing our society apart, this is the stuff holding us together. Our lowest impulses, our highest hopes, our secret personal archetypes can all be found in the archives of wrestling. Those who dismiss, protest or denigrate do so at their own peril. This stuff is in all of us. It is our genius.

Warrior 1, IWC 0

In case you're curious, there is already a hierarchy among wrestling fans. Those who are smart (old) enough to own a computer and use it to go online and discuss wrestling are called the IWC: Internet Wrestling Community.

To further clear up this strange little subculture, this term is not one of endearment. It's one of those terms like when Manny himself went on late night TV and announced it was "just Manny being Manny" third/fourth/fifth person impersonal sort of a term. People comment on blog posts to announce that "The IWC just can't ever give Cena any credit because they're intimidated by his awesomeness". So they join the group to mock it. Because they're wrestling fans. And that means they're better than you. But they loooooooooooooooooove their comments.

Anyway, all this is to say that I read the Ultimate Warrior's blog this weekend (which by the way is called The Warrior's Machete:Ockham had his Razor. He Shaved with Delicacy. I Sever with Blunt Force....double points to the Warrior for that reference). The best line of the whole thing?

Someone wrote and asked why comments are turned off.
Simple. I value my time — and yours, too. Commenting is a waste of it.

Your Founding Father of Time Management,

Always Believe,

Warrior

I love it. But hey, feel free to waste your time. Comment away.

Face vs. Heel, explained

I was watching Friday Night Smackdown this morning (I've already been over this, I'm on a multi-day delay here), and Jack Swagger (the current World Heavyweight Champion and the All-American American if you will) was being introduced. They mentioned in his intro that he had gotten a 1510 on the SATs, which struck me because that's what I got. It also struck me because even though I haven't watched Smackdown in forever, it was an absolutely undeniable sign that he's currently a heel.

For those of you who don't follow wrestling, heels are the bad guys. They succeed when they are hated. Faces on the other hand, are the good guys. They should be liked. When you switch from one to the other it's called a "heel turn" or a "face turn" depending on which direction you're going. When they start bragging about SAT scores? That's a heel turn for sure. Makes me feel a little insecure about myself.

On the other hand, that's not the only thing you can brag about that makes you a bad guy. Bragging about your hot wife? Heel. Someone else mentions that your wife is hot? You're a face, they're a heel (Rule #56,382 of professional wrestling - no one can innocently compliment your wife). Bragging about your workouts? Heel. Bragging about your effort? Face. Bragging about upper class upbringing? Heel. Bragging about poor and/or ethnic upbringing? Face. Despite the fact that they all make 6 figure salaries, only heels mention money. Mention your father? Face. Mention your famous father? Heel.

It's not just strengths that make a face or a heel though, it's also weaknesses. An entire Freshman Creative Writing class could be based on wrestling's use of the "tragic flaw" aspect of their heroes. Does seeing injustice or unfairness make you want to beat someone in a wrestling match? You're a face. Does seeing someone annoy you make you want to wrestle? You're a heel. Faces get in to matches when their family is threatened. Heels throw their family in the way of their opponents. Faces get forced in to matches when an evil authority figure wants to hurt them. Heels get forced in to matches when good authority figures have had enough of them.

Got all that? Good.

There's a couple exceptions to this rule. For example, the lawless Clint Eastwood type will always be a face (i.e. The Undertaker, Sting) no matter what he does. Playing to your own sense of justice will always be a face move. No matter how freakishly evil you are, if you don't cheat in a match, you will never be a true heel. Any heel who wins too many matches legitimately will cease to be a heel. Still with me?

Faces generally back up other faces, but heels may not back up other heels. However, if a heel mocks a face who secretly no one likes, the heel will cease to be a heel and become a face, and the face will cease to be a face and will now just be a tool. Anyone who you can't figure out is called a tweener.

Glad we had this talk.

Friday Night Rehash 11Jun10

When I was little, my mom used to work on Saturday afternoon/evening. My Dad, being the smart man that he is, decided to use this brand new device the "VCR" to record cartoons every Saturday morning while we ate breakfast. He then would wait until my mother left for work and show us the tape. Thus for years I had no idea that it was "Saturday morning cartoons", because they were always on in the afternoon at my house.

That's a little how I feel about wrestling right now. The Historian and I are currently big fans of the TNA (Total Non-Stop Action) Wrestling Promotion, and they air their show (Impact) on Thursdays. Since I have class on Thursdays most weeks (and 11 o'clock is, sadly, past my bedtime) we watch this on the DVR on Friday (oh how technology has grown since the early 80s). We also get takeout. It's become a bit of a ritual actually, I feel pretty sad if we actually have to like, go somewhere or something.

So basically, what I'm doing here writing on a Saturday about a show I watched on Friday that actually aired on Thursday. What can I say, my life is hectic during the week.

First things first: This week we ordered from Murray's, our fabulous local pizza place. They (oddly enough) have some of the best Tuna Salad I've ever tasted, and they'll put it on a Greek Salad if you ask nice.

Second, and more importantly, here's the breakdown of the show, and why you should have seen it:

Quote of the Night:
"Through serious meditation, focusing all my energy through my pineal gland, I've been able to read my cosmic record with my third eye. Simply put this means I've seen my life in this physical form from start to finish, and I understand my true purpose, I understand why I have this fire in my belly to be the greatest in all of pro wrestling, I understand why my father was a paranoid schizophrenic, why my mother was a genius, why it had to be that way for me to serve my purpose. I'm here in TNA to capture the X Division title, to help it achieve it's greater purpose, a title that has no discriminations no size sex or age discrimination a title for the truly courageous. And then I'll serve my greater purpose, my time will come it's already happened. Thank you for your time."
-Brian Kendrick

I feel relatively convinced I've heard Chad Ochocinco give a similar speech.

Best Move you Would Have Seen:
Amazing Red doing an Outside the Ring Huricanrana on to Kurt Angle

I was trying to find a picture of this move, but instead I found the wikihow article on how to do it, which is funnier:
1. Build your jumping ability
2. Jump on your opponents shoulders
3. Do a 180 degree backflip or frontflip
4. Pull their neck down while you move slightly to the side
5. Sling your opponent on their back.

Got that? No? Okay fine, here's the video. The move I'm talking about comes around the 37 second mark. FYI, the guy who does this is 5'6'' and 150 lbs.



Funniest Moment you wouldn't have gotten if you weren't a wrestling fan:
Jay Lethal (smaller young black man) doing a pretty spot on Ric Flair (old poorly aging white male wrestling legend) impersonation.

Reason you would have been impressed no matter who you were:
Sting's vicious beatdown of Jeff Jarrett (replayed from the last PPV). When Mick Foley wrote Have a Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks he relays the anecdote of how he lost his ear. Apparently, when he went in to the hospital afterward, the nurse taking care of him remarked "I thought wrestling was all fake????"

Sting's beatdown of Jarrett was a classic example of how there is a world of difference between "fake" and "predetermined". Wrestling is predetermined. There's no way to fake that amount of blood.

Overall rating of the Show for non wrestler fan friendliness: 4 out of 10, the funniest part of the show definitely required some knowledge, multiple old feuds were continued

Overall rating of the show if you like the show and are a fan already: 7 out of 10: Totally solid, and I'm super intrigued about what Sting's getting at.

Overall rating of the takeout order: 6 out of 10. Tuna Salad was a little dry this week.

Here it is, your moment of zen....

Why? Because it's Friday. Because I want you to grasp the richness of the characters in the world of wrestling. Or maybe I just want you to buy an air conditioner. Here you go: the single most recognizable wrestler on the planet.



Whatcha gonna dooooo when Hulkamania runs wild on you???

What else could they do?

I watched a LOT of Ultimate Warrior videos yesterday trying to find just the right one. After watching about 45 minutes worth of a man going crazy on camera, it occurred to me that one of the most beautiful things about professional wrestling is that it gives these people jobs.

Seriously, what would Mr Warrior M Warrior have done if it weren't for wrestling? Could that man have survived in any other arena?

I think not.

The Historian and I have had this conversation frequently in regards to rock music. My personal favorite example is Lemmy Kilmister. I mean, what else could this man have done with his life?
That's what I thought.

Wrestling is fabulous for attracting these sorts of people. Take a look at this guy for example:







I would absolutely call the police if I saw this man outside an elementary school. Or a high school.




But as a wrestler? Well, he sucked actually. That's Snitsky. He did this story line where his character had a foot fetish and basically stalked people's feet. It was weird and strange and gave me the uh-oh feeling.

Point is, where in the world could you see a grown man willingly pretend to do that? It's part of what makes this sport great.

Because really, it takes all types in this world, and there should be a place for all of them.

Professional wrestling: bringing us all together.

Wacky Wrestling Quote Wednesday

"This guy makes coffee nervous."
-Bobby "The Brain" Heenan on the Ultimate Warrior

And now, for THE MARK, this is why that's funny (you only need to watch about a minute to get the gist)



FYI: This man has no legally changed his name to Warrior Warrior and is a motivational speaker. AND HE HAS A BLOG. I've found what I'm doing this weekend.

http://www.ultimatewarrior.com/main.html

Oh the humanity

In my daily review of celebrity gossip, I came across Sandra Bullock's recent appearance at the MTV movie awards. It's hard to find a legitimate video of it, so I won't post here, but I was very struck by one thing she did (and no, not kissing Scarlett Johansson, though that had it's own charm): she told everyone that she loved her job.

It was a small moment, but one more celebrities should emulate. In the middle of a very public scandal, in the midst of total humiliation on a level most of us couldn't even dream of, she made a few jokes about what was going on and then essentially acknowledged "hey, I asked to be this famous, I love it, and even though this isn't fun, I still consider myself lucky". In an era when people are losing their jobs and struggling to make mortgage payments, it's nice to see a celebrity embroiled in personal issues stand up and say "nope, I'm actually one of the lucky ones thank you very much...I know it and you know it".

This seems unrelated to wrestling, but it's not. Last night, my brother (heretofore known as THE MARK) called me and asked me about my last post. He said it went over his head. "Basically" he said "I want to know why I should find Mick Foley interesting".

So here it is brother: Every time Mick Foley performs, he looks like he's having fun. He looks like he feels lucky. He's the hardcore legend: He bleeds in every match he's in, he limps, he's clearly been broken and bruised from the life he's lived. Every time he gets up there though, you can see he feels lucky. He repays us all by putting everything he has in to every performance. He's witty, he's funny, he's groundbreaking in ways that feel like one big "Thank you for watching".

Ultimately, isn't that what we all want in our famous faces? To see a person who dreamed about doing this, who feels they were born to entertain us? Someone who raises the bar, who becomes the standard for what we hold all celebrities to? Ultimately, a celebrity you feel you would actually like?

It's not until we see such a celebrity that we remember how often we like a celebrity's work without every wanting to encounter them in real life (are you listening Katherine Heigl? Jeff Hardy?). It's in those moments of seeing a celebrity so approachable, so human, that our forms of entertainment elevate themselves to something that can inspire, improve and give us hope for our species.

Last weekend I gave away a bookcase to a stranger through freecycle.org. She had a need, I had an extra bookcase, and in a small encounter, we reminded each other that strangers aren't always bad guys, that sometimes they are just regular people like us, trying to do the best they can. When someone makes millions of dollars and is known worldwide and can still give you that feeling....well, that's something worth watching.