Out indefinitely...

In true wrestling fashion, I would like to announce that Abyss Black Hole Slammed me prior to his Stairway to Janice match, and that I will be out with unspecified injuries to my carpal tunnels indefinitely, or two weeks, whichever comes first. I'd like to thank my fans for their continued support and ask for their prayers during this time.

Wacky Wrestling Quote Wednesday 7-28-10

"I have decided that when I win my next championship, I'm going to thank Ron Artest's therapist too."
-Samoa Joe, the true American badass

Just a little tweek here or there.....

I may be asking the wrong audience but does anyone remember that episode of Friends where Ross and Joey's TV magically started getting free porn all the time and they were afraid to change the channel because they didn't want to lose it so they just watched porn all the time for multiple days straight? I tried to get youtube to help me out here, but the sugar addled 14 year olds running that thing are apparently a tad to young to be interested in Friends. Alas.

ANYWAY, so basically the guys watch porn for days on end and they decided they have to stop when everything in their world basically becomes about porn. They get very indignant when all the pizza delivery girl wants to do is deliver pizza, or when the bank teller just gives them their money, etc.

Sometimes watching wrestling makes me feel like that.

It is really really really hard to appreciate an athlete being a jerk without pondering how he could have been even worse.

Of course I'm still talking about Lebron.

The Historian and I spent a really long time this weekend trying to figure out exactly what was missing from Lebron "taking my talents to South Beach" James' special last week, and I think we've finally got it. So now, from a wrestler's perspective, top 3 things Lebron shoulda woulda coulda done to make his heel turn bigger and better:

3. The timing. As any good wrestler knows, it's not just about what you do, it's also about when you do it. While the press conference is all well and good, this really should have been announced immediately after Game 6 of the playoffs. Hugging Doc Rivers? No. He should have socked him. Then as Cleveland Fans cheered, he should have DOUBLED the turn and peeled off his Cleveland jersey to reveal a Heat jersey underneath, punched his coach and "Oh my GOD....that's Pat Riley's entrance music!!!!". Hiring JR to scream that last line would have been a nice touch.

2. The sneer. Of course, I'm not saying the hour special shouldn't have happened. It absolutely should have. Throwing your mother under the bus was a nice touch too (question: when do I get to see the footage of the first time Lebron's mom tries to go grocery shopping after this????). What it was missing was something for the fans. Why merely break their hearts when you could antagonize them? "Yeah, I'm going to South Beach. I mean, have you seen the Cleveland Fans? They suck. Especially the children. God I hate those kids." Then he could have taken out the whole Boys and Girls Club and it would have been awesome.

3. The crazy. This is really the one he should have gone for. There's been a lot of talk in the media about Lebron and "how could he have done this well". I personally go with the theory that there's was no doing this well....if he's sane. I think he should have left everyone who saw that special with the deep impression that he had lost it. Here's what I think he should have done. Sub out "Tommy Dreamer" for "Mo Williams" and "Mikey Whipwreck" for "Mo West" and "Raven" for "Dwayne Wade" and it totally works:


I think that would even have made Kobe flinch.

The only thing that really worried me was the ether....

Myths and legends die hard in America. We love them for the extra dimension they provide, the illusion of near-infinite possibility to erase the narrow confines of most men's reality. Weird heroes and mold-breaking champions exist as living proof to those who need it that the tyranny of 'the rat race' is not yet final."
— Hunter S Thompson The Great Shark Hunt, 1979

Lebronomania is running wild.....

The wrestling and Lebron comparisons are now ubiquitous (at least 4 people in Bill Simmons mail bag along made the comparison directly....the only analogy that rivaled it was the Vinny Chase/Ari Gold show down from Season 3 of Entourage) so I won't belabor the point.

All right....I will for a quick second because I have to honor the person who set their heel turn scene to JR screaming "Oh My God....that's Pat Riley's music!" which actually made me laugh out loud.

Since I can't say anything about the wrestling connections here that hasn't been said before, I will simply tell you this Cleveland: The Rock actually warned you.

Think about that and have a nice day....

I've been feeling a bit like a badass on the train lately.

This summer's been sweltering and thanks to a rogue platelet donation accident I have an absolutely enormous and disturbingly colored bruise on my arm that I have just given up trying to hide. I also have had a break from class and have been catching up on a few wrestling books in an attempt to get a little more edjumacated about this crazy world of sports entertainment. Between the enormous heroine addict bruise and the weird book covers, I've been getting a lot of weird looks.

Strange looks aside however, I really think a wrestler's autobiography is the single best type of book to have on a train ride home from a long day at work. Take yesterday for example: I left for work at 7 am. I got home from work at 9pm. For those 14 hours, I dealt with politics, rivalries, jealousy, pettiness and waaaaaaaaay too many budgetary issues. I was stressed, I was exhausted. After 5 minutes of reading "The Death of WCW" though, my stress was gone and all I could think was "thank God I know that I will never ever go in to work worried that I'm going to break my neck, my foot, sever an artery, or herniate a disc".

They should pass these books out in business school.

Wacky Wrestling Quote Wednesday 7-7-10

The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing.
- Marcus Aurelius

5 Athletes I think I would like more if they became wrestlers right now....

After pondering yesterday's post, it occurred to me that there are plenty of athletes out there who currently have a whole lot of untapped potential. As such, here is my quick guide to athletes who I would like more if they were wrestlers. To be clear....these are not the five athletes I think would make the best wrestlers, or 5 athletes I currently don't like (necessarily), just ones I think I would truly enjoy more if they ditched their current sport and started taking some nasty falls off the turnbuckles:

5. The entire French soccer team

First they screw the entire country of Ireland, then they turn on their manager, blow it at the World Cup, and throw the worlds biggest hissy fit? I've got $5 that says they're already under contract with Vince just in case this NXT stable thing doesn't work out.

4. Tom Brady

After a so-so comeback last year, I think Brady should cut ties with football all together and go in to wrestling. I see some versatility here: he's good looking and could definitely buddy up with Cena with the Massachusetts/golden boy connection, but with the model wife and the millions of dollars, he could go heel easily. Interestingly enough, he'd also have automatic heat in Tampa Bay (near TNA headquarters, sorta), the Carolinas (for THE MARK, North Carolina is a hot bed of wrestling history) and Philadelphia (also a city with lots of wrestling history) because of his Super Bowl wins. This could also be used to the WWE's advantage during football season when they start losing ratings to Monday Night Football. Why fight forces when you can use them Daniel-san? Just don't ever let him reference the XFL, and I think we're good to go on this one.

3. Venus and Serena Williams

It's no secret that I hate the Divas division of the WWE, and TNA is doing their damnedest to catch up with them in terms of insulting every female alive. That's where these two come in. They're jacked, they're not afraid to show some skin, and they've got a crazy father just to add some flair. Start them in a feud where they eat the Bella twins for lunch, and continue from there. Thanks.

2. Kobe Bryant

Everyone outside of LA pretty much already hates him, he's got a cranky irritating wife who I'm SURE would be on camera in a heartbeat if she was asked, and he's got some legitimate badassery cred for not flinching here:



After watching him in the Finals, I not only think he could be a top heel, I think he'd take a dive in to a pile of thumbtacks and get up smiling. Put another way: Kobe Bryant has no soul. He's in.

1. Tiger Woods

Yeah, I'm stealing this from the Historian, but it's one of the best points he's ever made: after everything Tiger's been through, this man is just crying for a heel turn. Apology press conferences? I don't think so. Why? BECAUSE I'M TIGER WOODS AND I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU!!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS DON'T APPRECIATE HOW GREAT I AM...YOU SHOULD FEEL HONORED TO HAVE EVEN BEEN ABLE TO WATCH ME PLAY!!!! DID I SLEEP WITH ALL THOSE WOMEN, YES I DID, AND I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.....WHY? BECAUSE I'M TIGER WOODS AND I'M THE MOTHER@#$&% MAN!!!!

Seriously Tiger, what have you got left to lose? Your wife? Your sponsorships? Your winning streak? Nope, they're gone already. It's time for some therapy. More than anyone else in the world, you know Tiger's had some vivid dreams about doing this already. In the words of Nike, Just Do It.

I do want to express myself, okay? And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it!!!

I had a major paper due this past week, and as such have been totally good for nothing but catching up on sleep and watching tons of World Cup action while wondering how my condo association would feel about me getting a vuvuzela.

Anyway, is anyone else totally intrigued by the international freakout over all these people taking these horrible dives? I think every single day last week either Around the Horn or Pardon the Interruption mentioned at least once a day how awful the shenanigans were from teams trying to get the call to go their way.

I'm sure where I'm going with this is as obvious as your average Raw plot twist, but let's go there anyway....

Can we all just stop and admit for a second exactly how much we all love the acting????? If we didn't, there would be instant replay for every single big game for every single sport. We have the technology people, we're just not using it because we love it. We all secretly want athletes to have to ham it up, to play for our sympathies. We want good guys and bad guys, we want archetypes, we want to be able to classify these silent athletes, we want to feel like we know something about the character of these guys....since after all isn't one of our most pretentious justifications for youth involvement in sports that it "builds character"? Heaven forbid some kid says they just like beating other kids....no no, they're supposed to like competing. We want to know when someone takes a dive that they're not a good person, that we can sit and judge them.

I think the screw job is one of our favorite parts of sports, but no one wants to admit it. Go ahead and ask ten sports fans if they'd want a perfectly and painstakingly officiated game. I guarantee they all pause before answering. They'll come up with about 5 reasons why you could never do it, then start mumbling "well it will never happen". Why isn't this on the top of all of our wish lists, if fairness is what we all want? Why can't we admit that we all love a little flourish?

Sometimes I think wrestling fans are the only honest fans in all of sports. We've seen the embellishments for what they are, and we've kept watching. In some ways, as Mick Foley points out, it goes even further. In other sports, when someone gets hurt, they stop. In wrestling, Stone Cold breaks his neck and finishes the match.

I'm about to end the rant, and I promise I'll have something more amusing tomorrow, but here, for THE MARK, is what wrestlers do when they get injured:

#1 reason why you should watch wrestling....

....because it's less embarrassing than almost anything on MTV these days.


Come back Rock, come back.

Friday Night Rehash 25Jun10

Hey hey, it's Sunday! Clearly that means I am going to now make up for the fact that on Saturday I didn't review the Thursday night TV show that I watched on Friday. Got that?

Take out this week was brought to you by Chipotle, and even though they don't yet have an online ordering system for my Blackberry, I still love them. Guacamole is proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy.

On with the show:

Quote of the night:
Quotes of the night are a dime a dozen when the Motor City Machine Guns are on commentary. Why aren't these guys on TV more? They had a couple good lines (including a classic sea man double entendre that of course doesn't translate well in to the written word), but my favorite was this one:

"This team (Beer Money) chose their name in homage to the 2001 made for TV movie of the same starring Zach Morris.....IMDB it if you don't believe me."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I was at that moment actually IMDBing it, and I did in fact discover they were telling the truth. Want the synopsis? Of course you do: "Three guys find a space alien in the woods and attempt to sell it to a tabloid TV show, with disastrous results."

This reminds me....Mark-Paul Gosselaar is single now. Who do I have to talk to about a Screech/Zach Morris tag team to face MCMG at the next PPV???? You can't tell me Vince Russo isn't already all over trying to make this happen.

I digress.

Weird sight of the night:
Abyss trying to shove a ring down Hogan's throat. I was suddenly struck by how strange it would be if the Immortal Hulk Hogan died by choking on a ring. I also felt like their should be a special "Don't try this at home" disclaimer after that, for the kiddies.

Alternate weird sight: Madison Rayne trying to be the head mean girl. Not working for me. Still about 10,000 times funnier than "Lay Cool" though. I'm considering filing an FCC complaint with the WWE that expresses my doubt that the team name "Lay Cool" is TV PG. I'm desperately hoping that will get them off the air. I hear they're sensitive about these things these days.


Best moment for non-wrestling fans:
Desmond Wolfe and Kurt Angle are always a good example of wrestling, doesn't matter who you are.

Overall rating for non-wrestling fan friendliness: 7 out of 10
Good wrestling, entertaining commentary, I would definitely have showed this to a non fan and expected some amusement.

Overall rating of the show if you like the show and are a fan already: 7 out of 10
Held my interest, went pretty all things considered.

One point deducted for the fact that I'm still weirded out by how often Shannon Moore tweets about lawn care. In case you're curious, today he's fixing his fence.

Overall rating of the takeout: 9 out of 10
They forgot my sour cream. Dammit, the sour cream!

Here it is, your moment of zen...6-25-10

I'm a little confused why Nancy Reagan didn't feature this ad more prominently in her war on drugs.....I would have loved to see him repeat this ad with a variety of other substances.....

Talking heads and their wrestling potential

After yesterday's post, everybody's favorite brother THE MARK asked me who I thought Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck would be if they were wrestlers.

Intriguing.

I don't listen to any of them regularly....I came closest with Rush, but that was years ago. Hannity I listened to on the night shift, Bill's my favorite of the group and Glenn Beck is, well, a little insane for my taste.
So now that you know my bias, here we go:

Rush Limbaugh: Hulk Hogan. Very few people have been as influential for as long as these two men. Love Rush or hate him, I respect the staying power. Both rose to fame in distinctly 80s-esque ways, Rush on talk radio, the Hulkster in yellow, red and an eerie orange tan. Their critics have pointed to the same flaws repeatedly "If Rush is so smart why won't he run for office?" "If Hogan's so great, why won't he put over any younger guys?" but no one can question that they are the defining forces of their fields.

Bill O'Reilly: Bobby "The Brain" Heenan....not a wrestler but a manager and color commentator. He excelled at getting people to hate him, and while "The Brain" moniker was supposed to refer to his dastardly scheming, you always got the feeling that he really was a little bit smarter than the majority of the people he worked with.

Glenn Beck: This is a tricky one. Glenn inhabits a very special place in media these days, and I'd like to honor that. I thought at first of the Bushwhackers, for their perseverance in their ring entrance, but the Bushwhackers were never famous enough to do Glenn justice. Then I thought of Steve Austin, but he's a little too basic. I was shying away from the choice I originally settled on, but after rethinking it, it just feels right: The Ultimate Warrior. Only the Warrior shares the "is he serious is he joking is he crazy" feeling that I've come to know and love about Glenn Beck. Part performer, part deadly serious, part controversy maker, these two have probably met (as the Warrior is now a conservative motivational speaker) and I bet on some level respect each other. I'm not sure I'll ever get down how to take either of them.

Before I continue, I would like to say a few words. I compiled this list using "Do or Die" methodology. Basically, I tried to picture how I thought each of these men would react if they were kidnapped, drugged, and informed that they had to fight it out with a liberal in a death match. For Rush, Bill and Glenn, this was not hard. They would fight, and I think they'd have a fair shot at winning just on sheer spirit (provided their opponent was equal in age and um, stature). I respect that about them.

That idiot Hannity however, would be dead. Hannity would make the fatal error of trying to whine his way out of it, and he would be shot by the kidnappers before ever getting in the ring. I refuse to envision Hannity as a wrestler. I just can't do it. I have never heard someone so often edit their callers or go for the cheap applause so often. He sucks. He's terrible. He's soft like terry cloth. Plus, he's already had a run in with the Warrior, and he was clearly frightened. I mean, I think Rush would have at least pondered the idea of getting in the ring with him:


As a parting gift to you though, I would like to mention that while you didn't ask about Ann Coulter, she would be the Fabulous Moolah. Because if I had to pick someone around today who I thought might flash a stadium full of people while in their 80s, it would be Ann. Can't you see it?

Wacky Wrestling Quote Wednesday - June 22nd

In a stroke of genius this weekend, I created a twitter account just to follow wrestlers. Wrestlers are famous enough to want to promote themselves, but not so famous that you doubt that it's really them. Some of them are barely literate and boring, but some are pretty hysterical. My favorite tweets so far come from Jeremy Borash. He's not actually a wrestler, he does the back stage commentary. He does have a great twitter feed though.....and here are the two best for this week:

Sharing arena w Glenn Beck & Bill O'Reily tonight in Columbus. Walked into their dressing rooms w Abyss & Shark Boy. They were not amused. 7:47 PM Jun 18th via Echofon


Later apparently, Bill changed his mind:

Seeing Bill O'Riley mark out for Shark Boy may have been the most surreal thing witnessed since I introduced Sabastian Bach to Kamala 2:05 AM Jun 19th via Echofon

Bill O'Reilly a Shark Boy fan (mark out = have a little kid like fan reaction)? Who knew? Although he is quite a bold fresh piece of humanity....

I can't believe I missed this.....

I always knew you could teach a pretty good freshman creative writing class using nothing but examples from wrestling, but it wasn't until today that I realized exactly how philosophical wrestling is. Is this not existentialism at it's finest? Is this not an ode to mans constant striving through life, searching for meaning? First, you capture the championship, only to spend all your time defending it? What is the purpose of all this madness? How then shall we live?

If Dostoevsky was around today, he'd be working for Vince McMahon.

Just how unlikely?

My love of wrestling is baffling to most people.

In my blog tagline posits that I am an unlikely wrestling fan. Let me unpack that. First: I am female. Most wrestling fans are male. Second: I am 28, and I never watched wrestling prior to 2006. Third and beyond: I am a Mensa member. I am a feminist. I have a household income well above the national average. I am a New Englander.

Now this all doesn't make me perfectly unique. Many people join me in any one category, and probably quite a few in all. How many? Let's try it out.

Let's say there are about 15,000,000 people who live in New England. Cut it in half to get just the women....7,500,000. Mensa members must be in the top 2% of the population for IQ, so let's get down to 150,000 or so. According to the best stat I could find, around 29% of women consider themselves feminists, so we're down to 45,000. I am 28, and according to the best population tree I could find, 25-29 year olds make up about 3% of the population, leaving 1,350 of us. At the height of wrestling in 1999, 16% of white Americans claimed to be wrestling fans. Taking that number leaves us with 216 folks like me. Take my household income as higher than average leaves 100 or so of us. Factor in the late start to fandom, and you're down even lower. Even if you stick with the 100 (which I will to make up for assuming that Mensa members make evenly distributed salaries or that self defined feminist are evenly distributed among age ranges....though I also didn't even touch the "are the genders equally represented in high IQ societies" question). Still, that puts me in a very select group, approximately 0.0007% of the New England population, even less country-wide.

All in all, you're pretty lucky to be reading this.

Reality TV and Wrestling - Part 1

After my recent post relating Bukowski's take on crowds and wrestling, THE MARK left a comment inquiring about the intersection of wrestling and reality TV. I have a few thoughts, which is why I call this Part 1....I have a feeling this will be continued for a few weeks.

First: Wrestling is like reality TV in many ways, and there have already been several notable crossovers. The Miz, currently in the WWE, started on The Real World. The WWE has run two reality shows: Tough Enough and Diva Search, where they showed people competing to be wrestlers. NXT currently seems like a hybrid: psuedo competition, but plenty of kayfabe thrown in. What's kayfabe you might ask? It's a carnie/wrestling term for what two people do in character. In the past, when two wrestlers were feuding on TV, there were actual rules prohibiting them from being seen together in real life so people wouldn't know they weren't really fighting. It's certainly weakened over the years, as people were increasingly interested in who these guys were. For a while the TNA promotion even was showing real bios during the show.

Second: Wrestling is an exceptionally unique part of the entertainment world. Even though most wrestlers have a gimmick, it's fairly understood that your top wrestlers all are really just bigger and louder versions of themselves. It's that part that makes it unique. You know how actors and actresses are always complaining that people confuse them with their characters? Not so in wrestling. Not to say that if you watch a wrestler you know him, but the good ones you very might well have a decent start. On the other hand though....they have a little warning. The disadvantage your average reality show contestant has is they don't know how what they're saying will play before they say it. This leads to lots of "that was edited, I'm really much nicer" moments. When wrestler's keep talking, it's because things are working well. The only embarrassment is bad gimmicks. There's a whole site dedicated to that in fact: Wrestlecrap.

So there's the overview. If I get really inspired, you may even get the Dr. Jack breakdown.

Here it is, your moment of zen...6-18-10

Andy Kaufman never wrestled for the WWE, but Jerry Lawler certainly did....still does in fact (or at least does color commentary).

The videos worth it just for this exchange: "Andy I think you really hurt her" "Doesn't matter, she doesn't have any money, she's poor!"

The Poetry of Wrestling - Bukowski

Well it's been a long week kids. THE MARK is in the hospital, and as he recovers from surgery I thought I'd give him a few blog posts to read. I wound up on a poetry website this morning, and as I was scrolling through some of my favorites, and I happened upon the Bukowski archive. When I reread "The Genius of the Crowd" I was absolutely floored by how much I saw wrestling in this:

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

There are many layers I could apply this to, but for now, I'll stick to the crowds. I apply this not to the wrestling crowds themselves, though some might be implicated, but more to those who despise wrestling. There is a basic public health concept that suggests that it may not be in a society's best interest to eliminate all vices. The idea is that if you take away too many unhealthy behaviors, mental health on the whole will suffer to a point that society will destabilize (see Communist Russia circa, um, that part at the end when they banned vodka and that succeeded where all the diplomacy in the world had failed) and ultimately implode. That being said, I hate when people mock low culture. Wrestling makes no promises, no pretensions. It is pure entertainment in real time. It is exhibitionist performing for voyeurs. It is an athletic event that responds to the viewers in real time, and lives for viewer response. This is not the stuff tearing our society apart, this is the stuff holding us together. Our lowest impulses, our highest hopes, our secret personal archetypes can all be found in the archives of wrestling. Those who dismiss, protest or denigrate do so at their own peril. This stuff is in all of us. It is our genius.

Warrior 1, IWC 0

In case you're curious, there is already a hierarchy among wrestling fans. Those who are smart (old) enough to own a computer and use it to go online and discuss wrestling are called the IWC: Internet Wrestling Community.

To further clear up this strange little subculture, this term is not one of endearment. It's one of those terms like when Manny himself went on late night TV and announced it was "just Manny being Manny" third/fourth/fifth person impersonal sort of a term. People comment on blog posts to announce that "The IWC just can't ever give Cena any credit because they're intimidated by his awesomeness". So they join the group to mock it. Because they're wrestling fans. And that means they're better than you. But they loooooooooooooooooove their comments.

Anyway, all this is to say that I read the Ultimate Warrior's blog this weekend (which by the way is called The Warrior's Machete:Ockham had his Razor. He Shaved with Delicacy. I Sever with Blunt Force....double points to the Warrior for that reference). The best line of the whole thing?

Someone wrote and asked why comments are turned off.
Simple. I value my time — and yours, too. Commenting is a waste of it.

Your Founding Father of Time Management,

Always Believe,

Warrior

I love it. But hey, feel free to waste your time. Comment away.