Out indefinitely...

In true wrestling fashion, I would like to announce that Abyss Black Hole Slammed me prior to his Stairway to Janice match, and that I will be out with unspecified injuries to my carpal tunnels indefinitely, or two weeks, whichever comes first. I'd like to thank my fans for their continued support and ask for their prayers during this time.

Wacky Wrestling Quote Wednesday 7-28-10

"I have decided that when I win my next championship, I'm going to thank Ron Artest's therapist too."
-Samoa Joe, the true American badass

Just a little tweek here or there.....

I may be asking the wrong audience but does anyone remember that episode of Friends where Ross and Joey's TV magically started getting free porn all the time and they were afraid to change the channel because they didn't want to lose it so they just watched porn all the time for multiple days straight? I tried to get youtube to help me out here, but the sugar addled 14 year olds running that thing are apparently a tad to young to be interested in Friends. Alas.

ANYWAY, so basically the guys watch porn for days on end and they decided they have to stop when everything in their world basically becomes about porn. They get very indignant when all the pizza delivery girl wants to do is deliver pizza, or when the bank teller just gives them their money, etc.

Sometimes watching wrestling makes me feel like that.

It is really really really hard to appreciate an athlete being a jerk without pondering how he could have been even worse.

Of course I'm still talking about Lebron.

The Historian and I spent a really long time this weekend trying to figure out exactly what was missing from Lebron "taking my talents to South Beach" James' special last week, and I think we've finally got it. So now, from a wrestler's perspective, top 3 things Lebron shoulda woulda coulda done to make his heel turn bigger and better:

3. The timing. As any good wrestler knows, it's not just about what you do, it's also about when you do it. While the press conference is all well and good, this really should have been announced immediately after Game 6 of the playoffs. Hugging Doc Rivers? No. He should have socked him. Then as Cleveland Fans cheered, he should have DOUBLED the turn and peeled off his Cleveland jersey to reveal a Heat jersey underneath, punched his coach and "Oh my GOD....that's Pat Riley's entrance music!!!!". Hiring JR to scream that last line would have been a nice touch.

2. The sneer. Of course, I'm not saying the hour special shouldn't have happened. It absolutely should have. Throwing your mother under the bus was a nice touch too (question: when do I get to see the footage of the first time Lebron's mom tries to go grocery shopping after this????). What it was missing was something for the fans. Why merely break their hearts when you could antagonize them? "Yeah, I'm going to South Beach. I mean, have you seen the Cleveland Fans? They suck. Especially the children. God I hate those kids." Then he could have taken out the whole Boys and Girls Club and it would have been awesome.

3. The crazy. This is really the one he should have gone for. There's been a lot of talk in the media about Lebron and "how could he have done this well". I personally go with the theory that there's was no doing this well....if he's sane. I think he should have left everyone who saw that special with the deep impression that he had lost it. Here's what I think he should have done. Sub out "Tommy Dreamer" for "Mo Williams" and "Mikey Whipwreck" for "Mo West" and "Raven" for "Dwayne Wade" and it totally works:


I think that would even have made Kobe flinch.

The only thing that really worried me was the ether....

Myths and legends die hard in America. We love them for the extra dimension they provide, the illusion of near-infinite possibility to erase the narrow confines of most men's reality. Weird heroes and mold-breaking champions exist as living proof to those who need it that the tyranny of 'the rat race' is not yet final."
— Hunter S Thompson The Great Shark Hunt, 1979

Lebronomania is running wild.....

The wrestling and Lebron comparisons are now ubiquitous (at least 4 people in Bill Simmons mail bag along made the comparison directly....the only analogy that rivaled it was the Vinny Chase/Ari Gold show down from Season 3 of Entourage) so I won't belabor the point.

All right....I will for a quick second because I have to honor the person who set their heel turn scene to JR screaming "Oh My God....that's Pat Riley's music!" which actually made me laugh out loud.

Since I can't say anything about the wrestling connections here that hasn't been said before, I will simply tell you this Cleveland: The Rock actually warned you.

Think about that and have a nice day....

I've been feeling a bit like a badass on the train lately.

This summer's been sweltering and thanks to a rogue platelet donation accident I have an absolutely enormous and disturbingly colored bruise on my arm that I have just given up trying to hide. I also have had a break from class and have been catching up on a few wrestling books in an attempt to get a little more edjumacated about this crazy world of sports entertainment. Between the enormous heroine addict bruise and the weird book covers, I've been getting a lot of weird looks.

Strange looks aside however, I really think a wrestler's autobiography is the single best type of book to have on a train ride home from a long day at work. Take yesterday for example: I left for work at 7 am. I got home from work at 9pm. For those 14 hours, I dealt with politics, rivalries, jealousy, pettiness and waaaaaaaaay too many budgetary issues. I was stressed, I was exhausted. After 5 minutes of reading "The Death of WCW" though, my stress was gone and all I could think was "thank God I know that I will never ever go in to work worried that I'm going to break my neck, my foot, sever an artery, or herniate a disc".

They should pass these books out in business school.

Wacky Wrestling Quote Wednesday 7-7-10

The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing.
- Marcus Aurelius